Image Grenade

Self consciousness can be a bear. Size 8 or a size 16, I’ve always been cursed with heavy legs.  I’ve got massive knees and thighs so muscular I could (and have actually) crack a coconut with them.  I would marvel at big apple shaped women who bore all their weight in their upper body only to sprout the most fabulous gams. To me, they seemed to defy gravity, as if an extra large egg was balanced rather precariously on a pair of toothpicks.Not me, I was solidly planted with legs resembling tree trunks, more than capable of holding my upper body weight. In the 1990s and the first half of the 2000s, I kept my stalks well hidden beneath trousers or large skirts. Eventually, after What Not To Wear, drummed into my head that extra long skirts can make you look shorter and dumpier, I began to show calf.After 40, I wasn’t sure whether I had achieved  body acceptance, or I no longer gave a monkey’s, but I accepted the fact that a hem perched in the middle of my massive knees made me at 5′ 3″ look even shorter, so I began wearing hems either slightly above or below my knee. I’m still not comfortable with it, but without leg firming, skin hugging, lycra support hose, which are not only out of fashion, but irritatingly oppressive in the humidity of the tri-swamp area, I’ve had to find a way to make the most of my D list pins. Outside of power walks and a whole lot of lunges, I’ve found a few things that have helped.Arnica

I’m a klutz and I bruise like a hot house tomato. If there is a chair, table or anything I can bump into, my legs will find a way to make contact. To help clear my bruising, I use Boiron Arnicare Gel. This topical gel helps diminish the black and blues quickly and when used in conjunction with Hyland’s Arnica Montana, my boo boos make an expeditious exit. Short of having curb feelers attached to my lower legs, its about the only way to stop bruising quickly.

Bioron Arnicare Gel 2.6 oz, $11.39, and Hyland’s Arnica Montana, ret: $7.89 Available at  Vitacost.com at discount of $6.85 and $4.91 respectively with flat $4.99 shipping fee within the US. Neutrogena® MicroMist™ Tanning This micro fine mist sprays on evenly and without the need to rub in. The continuous spray means you don’t have to be a contortionist to cover hard to reach areas, like your back and bum. Its alcohol free and oil free and its super fast drying means I can tan and dress in minutes, even on work days.

 Neutrogena® MicroMist™ Tanning $10.49, available at drugstores nationwide. Soap and Glory Easy GlisteningWhether you want glossing legs for an evening out or just want an antidote for dry limbs, this spray on sweet almond dry body gloss smells great and adds a touch of subtle glimmer with a quick spray. Unlike tacky disco ball sized glitter that should by law, be limited to use by no female past “tween”dom, this micro particle shimmer imparts the glow of a St. Tropez goddess emerging from the infinity pool in five star splendor. And a bit of gloss doesn’t go amiss on bare legs traversing the concrete jungle either. Soap and Glory Easy Glistening available at Target stores or at www.target.com  $12.99

What can I say about Michael Jackson. 

I thought he was extremely talented.

I also thought the plastic surgery and often bizarre behavior were simply an outward sign of internal turmoil. 

So while I’d prefer to forget these last 12 days of hoopla I’d just like to take a minute  to remember that little brown boy from Gary, Indiana who cracked MTV barriers, sold millions of records, created a dance, convinced millions to don just one glove, contributed to charties for famine, AIDS, built a burn unit and by all accounts, was a funny and kind person. This is not a time for judgements, as in the soul of each of us, exists some seriously dark matter, it’s just most of us don’t have tabloids spending endless hours and column inches in an effort to ferret it out.

So as we finally lay him to rest let’s take a minute to remember the magic of a man that was the King of Pop.